Written by: Paul Jacks

PHILADELPHIA, PA — On Tuesday, September 7th at 10am the Philadelphia Census Department reported a higher than normal number of rats living in the city and many resident complaints.  This raised concerned in several city districts, and was addressed today at City Hall by the Mayor resulting in the decision to move forward with the “Rat Tax”.  “If we can’t control them, let’s tax them!”

It all started when one center city resident complained that his roommate, who happened to be a rat, was not paying his rent on time and was breaking the guidelines addressed in his lease.  The rat roommate, Jay, had been sneaking in fellow rat friends(100′s at a time) in an attempt to raid the roommates food cabinets.  This troubled the resident, because he knew that in the rat market they take not only advantage of the system, but are involved in very sleazy operations in addition to the tax evasion.  He didn’t feel that they needed to devour his food as well.  The city welfare department took this and many other complaints of it’s kind in to consideration, forcing them to report such issues to the mayor’s office.

“The city of Philadelphia is under attack and the rats are to blame!  If we do not act upon our regular methods when we have problems then we will weaken our city programs.  We will run these rats out by taxing them!” – said the mayor.

The Rat Association’s President, JT was very startled by all of this mayhem.  “Regardless of how bad we smell and mooch from our neighbors, we still demand equality among the rat population!  We wouldn’t be a rat if we didn’t do ratty things, and I will not let the city nor citizens run down our communities or disrespect us fellow rats.  Do me a favor, don’t do me any favors” – said JT in a winded statement this afternoon.

This stirred concern in neighboring cities resulting in the attention of one of the more prominent rats in the New York City area, King Johnny.  They call him king rat, because he is known across the country as the rat not to be messed with.  “I will not let my rat population suffer from this tax and we will do whatever us rats need to do to stop this!”

In a written statement to Mayor Nutter, the Rat Equality Forum demanded a release of the tax or they would boycott American Cheese.  Also, noted on page 14 of the document they requested to release Bernie Madoff of all his charges.

The city has yet to respond to the Forum, and have promised that they will not release any public statements until they have examined all sides of the issue.

The rats have organized towards City Hall, and things may get extremely ugly if the city does not lift this tax.  Citizens are encouraged to stay inside, do not go into alleys alone, keep cheese handy and avoid any confrontation with the rats at this time.

As the story progresses we plan to cover it in it’s entirety, stay tuned to “Only In Philadelphia”!


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